The Psychology Behind People-Pleasing - Why We Do It and How to Stop

People-pleasing can seem like a positive trait on the surface. After all, who doesn’t want to be helpful and kind?

But when the desire to please others becomes compulsive, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and a complete loss of your personal boundaries. As psychologists, we often see the impact that frequent people-pleasing has on mental health and relationships.

Understanding why we fall into these patterns is the first step toward breaking free and developing healthier ways of relating to others. Let’s take a closer look at why this behaviour could be occurring.

How to Know if You’re a People Pleaser

Before diving into the psychology, it’s important to recognise the signs. Many people-pleasers don’t even realise they’re doing it because these behaviours feel so automatic and “right.”

Signs You Might Be a People Pleaser

You might be a people pleaser if you:

Say yes to requests even when you’re already overwhelmed
Feel guilty when you disappoint others or avoid conflict by going along with things
Constantly worry about what others think and feel responsible for their emotions
Avoid setting boundaries and feel exhausted from trying to meet everyone’s needs

If you’re nodding along to several of these points, you’re not alone. Research from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that 28.8% of Australians have experienced anxiety disorders, while studies referenced by Women in Research Australia demonstrate strong correlations between assertiveness, psychological well-being, and healthy relationships.

The ability to say no and set boundaries has been linked to improved mental health outcomes in multiple research studies. Learn more about recognising these patterns in our anxiety counselling services at Hargan Psychology.

The Psychology Behind People-Pleasing – Why Do We Do It?

Childhood Origins and Attachment Patterns

People-pleasing behaviours often develop in childhood as a way to secure love and safety. Children are naturally dependent on their caregivers and will adapt their behaviour to maintain these crucial relationships.

Common childhood experiences that can lead to people-pleasing include:

Having parents whose approval was conditional on “good” behaviour
Growing up in households where conflict was avoided or emotions were suppressed
Being praised primarily for helping others or being “easy”
Having a parent with mental health conditions where the child felt responsible for their wellbeing

These early experiences create what psychologists call “attachment styles.” People-pleasers often develop anxious attachment patterns, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment.

The Role of Social Conditioning

Australian culture, like many others, can often reinforce people-pleasing behaviours, particularly in women. We’re taught to be accommodating, to not “rock the boat,” and to prioritise harmony over our own needs. While these values aren’t inherently problematic, they become harmful when taken to extremes.

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare reports that in 2021, the estimated prevalence of depression or anxiety was highest among younger women and men (aged 15–34) at 22%, and anxiety disorders are now the leading cause of burden for young females at 17.1%. Recent research also suggests assertiveness can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, highlighting the mental health benefits of moving away from people-pleasing patterns.

Neurological Factors

From a neurological perspective, people-pleasing activates the brain’s reward system. When we receive approval or avoid conflict, our brains release dopamine, creating a temporary feeling of relief and satisfaction. This biochemical reward makes the behaviour self-reinforcing, even when it’s ultimately harmful to our wellbeing.

How People-Pleasing Affects Your Mental Health

The Hidden Costs

While people-pleasing might seem harmless or even virtuous, it carries significant psychological costs:

Chronic stress and anxiety

Constantly monitoring others’ reactions and suppressing your own needs keeps your nervous system in a state of hypervigilance.

Loss of identity

When you’re always adapting to others’ preferences, you can lose touch with your own values, interests, and desires.

Resentment and anger

Suppressed frustration often builds up over time, leading to explosive outbursts or passive-aggressive behaviours.

Relationship problems

Ironically, people-pleasing often damages the very relationships it’s meant to protect, as authentic connection becomes impossible when one person isn’t showing up as themselves.

If you’re experiencing these impacts, our individual counselling services can help you develop healthier relationship patterns.

People Pleaser in a Relationship – The Unique Challenges

Romantic Relationships and People-Pleasing

Being a people pleaser in a relationship creates particular challenges. You might find yourself:

Agreeing to things you don’t actually want to do
Avoiding difficult conversations that need to happen
Taking responsibility for your partner’s emotions
Feeling anxious when your partner is upset, regardless of the reason

People-pleasing can also affect your partner, and they may feel confused about who you are or frustrated by your inability to express genuine preferences.

Healthy relationships require two authentic people showing up honestly. When one person is constantly people-pleasing, genuine intimacy becomes difficult to achieve.

For couples struggling with these dynamics, our couples counselling can help both partners develop more authentic ways of relating.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser – Evidence-Based Strategies To Try

Start with Self-Awareness

The first step in changing any behaviour is becoming aware of it. Start noticing when you:

Say yes automatically without considering your own needs
Feel anxious about disappointing others
Suppress your opinions or feelings
Take on responsibilities that aren’t yours

Keep a journal for a week, noting these moments. Awareness is the foundation of change.

Practice Setting Small Boundaries

Don’t try to transform overnight. Start with small, low-risk situations:

Say “let me think about it” instead of immediately saying yes
Express a mild preference: “I’d prefer pizza tonight” instead of “whatever you want”
Decline a small request when you’re already busy
Share a different opinion on a non-controversial topic

Develop Your “Why”

Understanding your deeper motivations for change can sustain you through difficult moments. Ask yourself:

What would my life look like if I stopped people-pleasing?
What relationships or opportunities am I missing because I’m not showing up authentically?
What values do I want to live by, beyond just being liked?

Managing Anxiety Around Disapproval

People-pleasing is often driven by an inability to tolerate the discomfort of potential disapproval. Learning to sit with these uncomfortable feelings without immediately acting on them is key.

Practice mindfulness techniques to observe your anxiety without being controlled by it. The discomfort will pass, and you’ll build confidence in your ability to handle others’ reactions.

How to Not Be a People Pleaser – Building Healthy Boundaries With Others

Boundaries help you maintain well-being while having meaningful relationships. You’re not responsible for others’ emotions, your time has value, you choose physical contact you’re comfortable with, and your opinions are valid.

Practical Boundary-Setting Techniques

The Broken Record Technique

When someone pushes against your boundary, simply repeat your position calmly: “I understand you’re disappointed, but I won’t be able to help with that project.”

The Sandwich Method

Acknowledge the other person’s needs while maintaining your boundary: “I can see this is important to you, and I won’t be able to take this on right now. Perhaps we could explore other options?”

Offering Alternatives

When saying no, sometimes offering an alternative can help: “I can’t stay late tonight, but I could come in early tomorrow to finish this project.”

Common Boundary-Setting Mistakes

Some common boundary mistakes can include:

Over-explaining or justifying your boundaries
Setting boundaries only when you’re angry or overwhelmed
Being inconsistent with enforcement
Feeling guilty about having boundaries in the first place

Remember, boundaries are an act of self-care and relationship care. They help create clearer, more honest connections with others.

Breaking Free from People-Pleasing – The Change Process

When you start setting boundaries, expect some pushback from people who’ve benefited from your people-pleasing – this is normal and doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

Stay consistent while remaining kind but firm, as true friends will eventually respect your authenticity. Consider working with a psychologist, joining support groups, or finding friends who appreciate the real you. Celebrate small victories like saying no without over-explaining or expressing different opinions, as each moment shows your growing strength and authenticity.

Taking the Next Step