How to know if your child's separation anxiety needs more support

You’ve read the articles. You’ve tried the goodbye rituals, the books, the reassurance. You’ve been consistent with your routine, validated their feelings, and practised short separations just like all the parenting advice says.

And still, every so often it’s a battle. Or bedtime is a two-hour negotiation. Or your eight-year-old won’t go to a sleepover, school or an event.

Sometimes love, patience, and good parenting strategies aren’t enough. Sometimes separation anxiety in childhood needs professional support, and recognising that isn’t a failure. It’s actually the next right step.

What the research tells us about separation anxiety

Separation anxiety in child development is a natural emotional response where children experience distress when separated from their primary caregivers.

Research shows that approximately 4.3% of Australian children aged 4 to 17 experience separation anxiety disorder, making it the most commonly diagnosed childhood anxiety disorder, accounting for approximately 50% of referrals for mental health treatment of anxiety disorders.

While separation anxiety is a normal part of development (typically starting around 6-7 months and peaking between 14-18 months), separation anxiety disorder is different. It persists beyond typical developmental timeframes, becomes more severe than what other children the same age experience, and significantly interferes with your child’s life and your family’s daily functioning.

Research suggests that approximately one-third of childhood separation anxiety cases (36.1%) can persist into adulthood if left untreated. Understanding when normal developmental anxiety crosses into something requiring professional support can be challenging for parents.

Signs your child might need professional help

At Hargan Psychology, we work with families across Hawthorn and Melbourne’s east who are navigating these challenges. Here are the signs that suggest it’s time to reach out for support:

The anxiety has persisted for more than a month without improvement

Normal separation anxiety (the kind that comes with starting kindy or after a family disruption) usually improves within 2-4 weeks once children get into their routine. Your child might still have hard moments, but you’d see a general trend towards easier goodbyes.

If it’s been six weeks or three months and nothing’s getting better despite your best efforts, that’s a sign the anxiety has momentum of its own and needs intervention beyond home strategies.

An even more concerning sign is if the anxiety is actually getting worse over time, not better.

It’s interfering with daily life in significant ways

A bit of clinginess is one thing. Missing school regularly is another.

Ask yourself, is the separation anxiety preventing your child from doing age-appropriate activities?

Things that suggest professional support would help:

School refusal or frequent absences (physical symptoms every morning that disappear on weekends)
Can’t attend birthday parties or playdates without a parent present
Won’t sleep in their own bed despite being school-aged
Can’t stay with grandparents or trusted caregivers you’ve known for years
Family plans are constantly adjusted around their anxiety
Siblings’ needs are being neglected because this child requires constant management

Research shows that approximately 75% of children with separation anxiety disorder refuse to attend school, which highlights how significantly this condition can impact daily functioning.

When anxiety starts running the household or limiting your child’s world significantly, that’s when individual therapy becomes important.

Physical symptoms are frequent and intense

Separation anxiety doesn’t just live in children’s heads. It lives in their bodies too. Understanding these somatic symptoms is important for recognising when anxiety has become overwhelming.

Occasional butterflies before school? This is normal. Daily stomachaches, headaches, nausea, or even vomiting before separations? That’s their nervous system in overdrive, and it means the anxiety is enough to trigger these physical responses.

These symptoms are genuine most of the time. Their body is genuinely responding to perceived threat, even though logically they’re safe. This is exactly the kind of mind-body connection that therapy (particularly CBT and play therapy approaches) can help with.

Also watch for trouble sleeping, appetite changes, regression in toileting, or frequent complaints of feeling sick that doctors can’t find a physical cause for.

They’re showing signs of generalised anxiety beyond just separation

Sometimes what looks like pure separation anxiety is actually part of the bigger anxiety picture.

Notice if your child is also:

Excessively worried about performance at school or sport
Constantly seeking reassurance about fears
Being very particular or rigid about routines
Expecting the worst in unlikely situations
Having panic-like symptoms (racing heart, trouble breathing, dizziness)
Avoiding more and more situations

When anxiety goes beyond just separation concerns, it’s a strong indicator that professional support would help. Children don’t usually “grow out of” anxiety patterns that are expanding. They need tools to interrupt the cycle. Understanding the symptoms of anxiety in children can help you recognise when it’s time to seek help.

You’re noticing impacts on their self-esteem or your relationship

This sign often gets overlooked, but it’s worth paying attention to.

Is your child starting to:

Call themselves a “baby” or “scaredy-cat”
Compare themselves negatively to siblings or peers
Seem ashamed of their difficulty with separations
Avoid talking about their feelings because they’re embarrassed

Or are you noticing the following:

You’re feeling resentful or angry at them (even though you know it’s not their fault)
You’re avoiding leaving because the goodbye is so painful
Other relationships are suffering because this takes all your energy
You’ve stopped doing things you need to do because of their anxiety

When separation anxiety starts damaging how your child sees themselves or how you relate to each other, therapy isn’t just helpful. It’s protective. Getting support early can prevent longer-term impacts on their confidence and your connection.

The ADHD factor worth knowing about

If your child has ADHD or you suspect they might, separation anxiety can often look more intense and harder to manage. Children with ADHD often find it harder to handle changes and transitions, and ADHD brains struggle with time perception (they can’t quite grasp that you’ll return in three hours, it can feel can feel infinite).

This isn’t about adding another diagnosis to worry about, but understanding the full picture helps us provide more effective support.

What professional support looks like

If these signs sound familiar, you might be asking yourself what a psychologist could do differently. Here’s what treatment looks like at Hargan Psychology:

Assessments

We start by understanding the full picture: your child’s developmental history, family dynamics, what you’ve already tried, and what’s maintaining the anxiety. Sometimes there are factors you wouldn’t think to connect.

Evidence-based approaches

We use strategies from CBT (helping kids recognise and challenge anxious thoughts), play therapy (especially helpful for younger children who can’t always put feelings into words), and parent coaching (because you’re the most important part of the solution).

Practical tools

Kids learn concrete techniques to manage anxiety in the moment, breathing exercises that actually work for them, ways to picture positive outcomes, gradual exposure plans that feel manageable.

Parent support

Often the most valuable part is helping parents understand what’s reinforcing the anxiety (usually unintentionally) and what actually helps versus what feels helpful but makes things worse.

Most importantly, therapy gives your child the message that big feelings are manageable, that they’re not alone in figuring this out, and that asking for help is strong, not weak.

You’re not overreacting

If you’ve read this far and you’re still wondering if your child “really needs” therapy, that question itself often means they probably would benefit from it.

Parents have good instincts. If it feels like too much, it probably is too much.

Getting support now (when your child is young and patterns aren’t yet deeply set) is more effective than waiting until they’re older and anxiety has shaped years of their experience.

And here’s the other truth: helping your child through this doesn’t mean you weren’t doing enough. It means their particular brain and temperament need some extra support to learn skills that come more naturally to other kids. That’s not a judgement on your parenting.

Ready to explore whether therapy might help?

If you’re in Hawthorn or anywhere across Melbourne’s east and you’re recognising your child in these signs, we’d be glad to talk with you.

At Hargan Psychology, we offer initial assessments to understand what’s going on and whether therapy is the right fit. Sometimes families just need a few sessions of parent coaching. Sometimes kids benefit from several months of individual therapy. We’ll work out together what makes sense for your family.

You can reach us through our contact page or visit our website to learn more about our psychologists and approach. Sometimes just having a conversation with someone who understands child anxiety can help clarify your next step.

Your child’s separation anxiety might need more than tips from the internet, and that’s okay. That’s what we’re here for.

Additional resources

For evidence-based information about separation anxiety, the Raising Children Network provides comprehensive guidance on understanding and managing separation anxiety in children at various developmental stages.

Healthdirect Australia also offers helpful information about when separation anxiety becomes separation anxiety disorder and when to seek professional help.