Are they normal tantrums or something more? Understanding anger issues in children

Your toddler throws themselves on the floor because you cut their sandwich wrong. Your four-year-old screams for 20 minutes because it’s time to leave the park. Your six-year-old hits their sibling over an argument about a toy.

Are these normal tantrums, or could something else be going on?

What the research tells us about tantrums in children

Tantrums are incredibly common in early childhood. Research shows that 87% of 18 – to 24-month-olds and 91% of 30- to 36-month-olds have tantrums, with the behaviour changing to about 59% by ages 42 to 48 months.

Most tantrums can last between 30 seconds to three minutes, as you may have experienced, and the average tantrum can occur about once per day in young children. This is completely normal developmental behaviour.

Tantrums happen because young children’s brains are still developing. The prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for emotional regulation and logical thinking) doesn’t start to develop until around five to seven years old. Until then, big emotions genuinely overwhelm them.

However, research also shows that while 83.7% of children aged 3 to 5 have some tantrums, only 4.4% have daily tantrums. When tantrums become very frequent, intense, or persist beyond typical ages, they may signal underlying difficulties that need support.

Understanding tantrum vs meltdown

Before we talk about when anger becomes concerning, it’s important to understand that not all intense emotional outbursts are the same thing.

Tantrums happen when your child is frustrated and doesn’t have the skills yet to manage that feeling. Often this is about wanting something (a toy, your attention, to stay at the playground) or not wanting something (to go to bed, to leave the shop, to turn off the TV). But tantrums can also happen when children are tired, hungry, overstimulated, or struggling with transitions. Tantrums typically:

Start when a request is denied
Can be influenced by consequences or rewards
Often stop when the child gets what they want or realises it won’t work
Usually happen when there’s an audience
Show some level of control (they might check if you’re watching)

Meltdowns on the other hand, are about being overwhelmed. The child’s nervous system is overloaded with sensory information, emotions, or cognitive demands that they genuinely cannot process. Meltdowns typically:

Result from sensory overload, not from wanting something
Cannot be stopped by giving in or providing rewards
Happen regardless of whether anyone is watching
Often have warning signs building up beforehand
Leave the child exhausted afterwards

Meltdowns are more common in children with autism, ADHD, sensory processing differences, or high anxiety. Understanding this distinction matters because the way you respond should be different. If you’re concerned about ADHD, our ADHD assessments can help clarify what’s going on.

Signs your child might need professional help

At Hargan Psychology, we work with families across Hawthorn and Melbourne’s east to understand when typical childhood anger crosses into something requiring support.

Here are the signs to look for:

Tantrums are happening multiple times daily

While one tantrum a day is normal for toddlers and preschoolers, multiple tantrums throughout the day (especially if they’re intense) suggests your child is struggling to cope.

If your child is having three, four, or more major outbursts every single day, that’s worth addressing.

They last longer than typical

Most tantrums peak and resolve within a few minutes. If your child’s tantrums regularly last 15, 20, or 30 minutes despite your best efforts to help them calm down, that’s a sign they may need additional support learning to regulate their emotions.

Research shows that about 5 to 7% of one- to three-year-olds have tantrums lasting at least 15 minutes, three or more times per week. If this describes your child, professional guidance can help.

Physical aggression is frequent or intense

Some hitting, biting, or throwing during tantrums is developmentally normal in toddlers who don’t yet have the words to express frustration. However, if your child:

Regularly hurts themselves or others during outbursts
Shows aggressive behaviour that’s getting worse, not better, with age
Uses physical aggression outside of tantrum situations
Displays a level of aggression that seems extreme compared to other children their age

This suggests they need help developing healthier ways to express and manage anger. Understanding individual therapy approaches can provide structure for learning these skills.

Tantrums persist beyond typical ages

While tantrums peak around ages two to three and decrease significantly by age four or five, some children continue having regular, intense outbursts well into primary school years. If your seven-, eight-, or nine-year-old is still having frequent tantrums, this often indicates:

Underlying anxiety or emotional regulation difficulties
Possible ADHD (more on this below)
Communication or social challenges
Unmet needs that aren’t being addressed

They’re impacting daily life significantly

Ask yourself – is anger or tantrums preventing your child from doing age-appropriate activities or affecting the whole family’s quality of life?

Things that suggest professional support would help:

Your child can’t participate in playgroups, sports, or activities because of behaviour
Siblings are scared of them or family time is constantly disrupted
You’re avoiding going places because you’re worried about public tantrums
Your child seems unhappy or frustrated most of the time
Teachers or carers have expressed concerns
Your child is losing friendships because of aggressive behaviour

When anger starts running your household or your child seems genuinely distressed by their own reactions, that’s when family therapy or individual support becomes important.

You’re noticing other concerning behaviours alongside anger

Sometimes frequent tantrums or anger outbursts are part of a bigger picture. Watch for:

Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares
Extreme defiance or oppositionality beyond typical testing of boundaries
Excessive worry or fear
Difficulty making or keeping friends
Destructive behaviour towards property or pets
Regression in skills they’d previously mastered (toileting accidents, baby talk)

These signs together often indicate your child needs more support than strategies at home can provide.

The ADHD and anger connection

Children with ADHD can often struggle more intensely with anger and frustration. ADHD can make it harder to handle changes and transitions. Impulsivity means emotions can explode before your child has a chance to think. Low frustration tolerance is common with ADHD, making minor setbacks feel overwhelming.

If your child has ADHD (or you suspect they might) and anger is a major issue, this isn’t a character flaw. It’s a genuine difficulty with emotional regulation that responds well to the right support and strategies. Learning more about how early childhood experiences shape adult behaviour can also provide context for understanding these patterns.

How to deal with toddler tantrums at home

Before we talk about professional support, here are strategies that can help with typical tantrums:

Stay calm yourself

Your child looks to you to know if they’re safe. If you’re yelling or losing control, it confirms to them that the situation is as overwhelming as it feels. Take deep breaths. Keep your voice low and steady.

Keep them safe

If they’re hitting, biting, or throwing things, your first job is safety. Move them away from others if needed. Remove dangerous objects. Sometimes this means picking them up and moving to a quieter space.

Name the feeling

Even in the midst of a tantrum, you can say, “You’re really angry that we have to leave” or “You’re frustrated because you wanted the blue cup, not the red one.” This helps them start to build emotional vocabulary.

Don’t negotiate or give long explanations during the tantrum

They can’t process it. Wait until they’re calm. During the tantrum, less talking is better.

Be consistent with boundaries

If the answer is no, it stays no, even through a tantrum. Giving in occasionally teaches them that big enough tantrums work, which makes them more likely.

Connect after

Once they’re calm, offer comfort. Talk about what happened. “That was really hard for you. Let’s think about what we could do differently next time.”

For more strategies on helping children build social skills and manage emotions, these approaches work best when adapted to your child’s developmental level. If you’re looking for more structured support, our BEST Kids program offers group sessions focused on emotional regulation and social skills.

How to handle a tantrum in public

Public tantrums add an extra layer of stress because of embarrassment and judgement from others. Here’s what helps:

Remember that other people’s opinions don’t matter

Anyone judging you has either never had children or has forgotten what it’s like. Most people are actually sympathetic, even if they look uncomfortable.

Follow the same principles as at home

Stay calm, keep your child safe, don’t negotiate during the tantrum. The location doesn’t change the strategy.

Sometimes leaving is the right choice

If the tantrum is severe or prolonged, it’s okay to abandon your shopping trolley and go home. You can finish shopping online. Your child’s wellbeing (and yours) comes first.

Have a plan

Before going out, think about what you’ll do if a tantrum happens. Knowing your exit strategy reduces your own stress, which helps you stay calmer.

What professional support looks like

If you’re recognising your child in the concerning signs above, you might be wondering what therapy could offer.

Here’s what happens when families come to Hargan Psychology:

Assessments

We start by understanding your child’s developmental history, family dynamics, what triggers the anger, and what you’ve already tried. Sometimes patterns emerge that parents wouldn’t think to connect. While there’s no single test for anger issues, we use clinical interviews, observation, and questionnaires to understand what’s driving the behaviour. Our educational assessments can also identify any learning difficulties that might be contributing to frustration.

Evidence-based approaches

We use strategies from CBT (helping children recognise and manage their anger before it escalates), play therapy (especially helpful for younger children who process emotions through play), and parent coaching.

Practical tools

Children learn concrete techniques, like recognising early warning signs in their body, breathing and movement strategies, ways to communicate needs before frustration builds, and problem-solving skills for common trigger situations.

Most importantly, therapy gives children the message that their anger is manageable and that they can learn to handle big feelings differently.

You’re not overreacting

If it feels like too much, it probably is. Getting support now (when your child is young and patterns aren’t yet firmly established) is more effective than waiting until they’re older and behaviour has become more entrenched.

Seeking help for your child doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent. It means you’re recognising that your child needs some extra support to learn skills that come more naturally to other children.

If you’re in Hawthorn or anywhere across Melbourne’s east and you’re recognising your child in these signs, we’d be glad to talk with you.

You can reach us through our contact page or browse our website to learn more about our psychologists and approach. Sometimes just having a conversation with someone who understands childhood anger can help clarify your next step.

Your child’s anger might need more than strategies from parenting books, and that’s okay. That’s what we’re here for.

Additional resources

For evidence-based information about tantrums, Better Health Victoria provides comprehensive guidance on understanding and managing big feelings in children.

Raising Children Network also offers helpful, practical strategies for responding to tantrums at different developmental stages.